Throughout my life I have often cried out to God asking Him for help in understanding who I was and why I did the things I did. Even as a child I felt I didn’t fit in nor could I do anything right. As a teenager and adult I have struggled with both depression and alcoholism. I have felt broken, desperate to understand why I was so unhappy and how I fit into this world. I was certain that if I could figure out who I was and why I behaved the way I did, I could change and be happy. Often, I wasn’t sure I would survive waiting for the answer.
I received my first Bible when I was about 8. As I grew, when I was feeling bad about myself or life I would often read the Bible, searching for answers. Psalm 139, in particular, brought me comfort. It reminded me that even though I didn’t understand myself, God did. He knew everything about me. He knew what I was thinking and doing, yet He still loved me. No matter how far I tried to run from my mistakes, He would be there for me. And with His help it was possible to be saved. A few verses in Psalms 139 are especially dear to me and I would like to share them with you. Verse 2 says “You know when I set and when I rise; you receive my thoughts from afar”. Verses 9-10, “If I rise on the wings of the dawn, If I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your right hand will hold me fast”. And verses 23-24, “Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts, see if there is any offensive way in me and lead me in the way of the ever lasting”. God is with us in every situation – protecting us, loving us, guiding us and listening to us.
If you have read any of my past post you know that I like to use quotes, songs, or fun facts. One of my go to places to help find these is Google. For this post I typed “I don’t understand myself” in search of some profound quote to share. Can you guess what the first search result was? It was the link to the SAMHSA National Helpline. SAMHSA stands for Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration and falls under the US Department of Health and Human Services. The fact that the Helpline was what popped up made me stop in my tracks. This meant that words I had said to myself over and over again are key words used by agencies to identify those dealing with addiction and mental health issues like depression and suicide. I wondered if Google had been around when I was younger, and had I made this connection earlier, would the course of my life had been different? Maybe. Maybe not. I no longer dwell on the past. Instead, I feel lucky. God has blessed me abundantly. I have a wonderful family, great friends, a loving church family. Together, we have shared many laughs and made happy memories. Unfortunately, there are too many people in our world who are deep in the midst of their struggle and who may decide they no longer want to wait to see if they will find happiness. I am determined to share my past in hopes that it may help someone. And from now on I will be listening for a voice call out for help, saying something like “I don’t understand myself”. When I hear it I won’t turn my back. I hope you won’t either. What can we do? Well, for starters, we could give them the number to the SAMHSA National helpline. Then we could let them know they are loved, special and important by being present, listening, praying and introducing them to Psalm 139.
The number for SAMHSA National Helpline is 1-800-662-HELP (4357). You can also find more information at http://www.samhsa.gov. As for Psalm 139, you know where to find that!
Love, Melissa
My husband’s favorite verse right now (different seasons of life call for different verses!) is Isaiah 26:3. This is the verse I have chosen to reflect on this coming week. “You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast, because he trusts in you.” I’ll be posting about this verse next Sunday. Have a great week!
Melissa Pillone Speaks 
Lovely, melissa.
LikeLike