As We Forgive Our Debtors

One of the most difficult things that Jesus has asked us to do is to forgive others. I know for many people, forgiveness seems like an impossible task, especially when the hurt runs so deep. I’m going to go out on a limb and suggest that not forgiving someone who has wronged us actually exacerbates our pain and suffering and that the key to forgiving others is remembering how much God has forgiven us. Being unforgiving of others means that we have not truly understood what it means to be forgiven ourselves. I am sure some of you are saying something like “But the things I have done aren’t as bad as what was done to me!” It doesn’t matter to God. He forgives sins big and small. He expects us to do the same. The greatest example of forgiveness comes from Jesus himself, while hanging on the cross. “Father, forgive them for they do not know what they are doing,” (Luke 23:34) By “them” Jesus was referring to the Jewish leaders, Roman politicians, soldiers and bystanders who put Jesus on the cross. They had caused suffering, torture and death. Yet, Jesus was willing to forgive.

We have all heard the term to “forgive and forget”. This is not a Biblical term. No where in the Bible does it say you must forgive AND forget. Forgive yes, forget no. I think by acknowledging this, we have already made the task before us a bit easier. Just because we forgive someone doesn’t mean we need to forget what he or she has done or pretend it never happened. Martin Luther King Jr. once said “Forgiveness does not mean ignoring what has been done or putting a false label on an evil act. It means, rather, that the evil act no longer remains as a barrier.” The barriers he was referring to were barriers to relationships. I think these relationships could be between people, ourselves and God. I believe that, at some point in our lives, God uses the lessons we have learned from going through something really difficult to help someone else going through the same or similar thing. In order for us to effectively help we can’t forget and we must have already forgiven. For it is through forgiving someone else that we can begin to heal.

I’d like to share a story with you. Actually, I don’t, but I think this is one of those lessons that may be helpful to someone else. When I was in my early 20s I lived in Richmond, Virginia. I was working full time and living with 2 roommates who were students at a local university. One night we went to an off campus party. I knew many of the people there already but one of my roommates introduced me to someone who was new to the school. The house was extremely crowded, noisy and very hot. At one point he and I left to get fresh air, take a walk and talk. Or so I had understood. But, not far from the house, he raped me behind a large green electrical transformer box. I was able to get home with the help of a friend and tried my best to forget it happened and that I was ok.

I did not go to the authorities, nor did I seek medical help or counseling. Why? Because I was convinced I was the reason it happened. What I did do, however, was let my anger and bitterness build up inside me. I was angry at him for what he had done, I was angry at myself for putting myself in that situation, and angry at my roommate who seemed more concerned about people finding out since she had introduced the two of us and how his athletic scholarship would be jeopardized. In hindsight, I should have done all three of the things I said I didn’t do. Because I didn’t go to authorities, he may have done this to someone else, and had I sought help I may have learned how not blaming myself and forgiving others can be so freeing. After years of Bible Study, going to church, praying and meeting a really great therapist I finally did learn these things and was able to forgive. I realized that once I did forgive I didn’t think of that night as often and when I did it wasn’t as painful. Instead of feeling anger and hatred, I felt acceptance and a certain “gratefulness”. Not grateful for the rape but grateful because I knew that God loved me. It was because of His love, grace, mercy and forgiveness towards me that I was able to forgive. Forgiveness can bring peace, healing and acceptance to a situation. It doesn’t take all the pain away but it does allow you to move forward in a positive direction. If you are struggling with forgiveness, or rape, please reach out. I would love to help.

With Love, Melissa

At times in my life I have struggled to understand and like myself. It was very comforting to know, however, that even when I didn’t God did. He knows everything about us and still loves us. I kept a list of Bible verses to remind me of this fact. One of those verses is Psalm 139:2. “You know when I set and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar.” This is going to be the verse I pray about this week. I hope you, too, feel loved by God.