He Is Creating a New Voice

I was painfully shy as a child. So much so that I wet my pants in class because I didn’t want to raise my hand to ask to use the bathroom. My second grade teacher, wanting to help me overcome my shyness I believe, encouraged me to take on a small part in our second grade play. I had one line and delivered it perfectly. The audience laughed (as they should have because it was meant to be funny) but in my petrified mind the laughter I heard was directed AT me. Humiliated, I ran off the stage into my mother’s arms.

In high school I continued to be shy. The other girls in my carpool would sing to the radio on our way to school. I never sang out loud. I was sure I couldn’t sing. This was confirmed when I decided to give acting another try. Desperately hoping it would help me break out of my shell I felt imprisoned by, I tried out for the school musical and sang “Tomorrow” from Annie. This took an ENOURMOUS amount of courage. My heart is palpitating as I sit here remembering it. The tryout was conducted on stage in front of the music teacher, who was a nun, and fellow students. I made it to the end of the song. I was thrilled! I remember thinking that I could not have sounded so awful if Sister had allowed me to sing the entire song! But then I heard her use the words “definitely no”, “can’t sing”, “tone deaf” and I was brought right back to the stage I was on in second grade. I was humiliated once again.

Soon after, I did discover something that helped ease my shyness and lack of self-esteem. Alcohol. I discovered that when I drank I was not afraid of speaking up, laughing or singing. I finally felt free, creative and fun to be with. I was a totally different person and really thought the drunk me was much “cooler” and the one people liked. The problem was, once I started drinking I couldn’t stop. At the beginning, the hangovers were worth every second of the “fun” but my drinking soon caused a lot of harm, shame, embarrassment and guilt. I realized I had a problem but I knew I wasn’t going to stop drinking. Neither did I want to nor could I. I was 20 years old when I went to my first AA meeting. I was forced to go. I remember telling the people there that I wasn’t going to stop drinking. After all, I said, I hadn’t even reached 21, the legal age to drink, and I could not imagine living the rest of my life without alcohol. It took 20 more years of drinking before I went to another meeting. This time I wanted to be there.

During the past ten years I have discovered that I do have things to say and have found the courage to raise my hand and speak. I have learned that I can laugh and sing (albeit rarely) without alcohol. I’ve also realized that God has given me a story that needs to be shared. A story that someone out there may need to hear. And in the days since I have begun to talk and share my past God has answered prayers, opened doors and placed people in my path. It amazes me that I, who was too shy to raise my hand in class, want nothing more to stand on a stage and share how God has worked in my life and most definitely works in yours, too. He is ready to change your life. Isaiah 43:19 says “See. I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland”. This is the beauty of God. He lifts us up out of the ashes and makes a new creation! Through Jesus, we are forgiven, our slates are wiped clean and we are given a fresh start!

Yes God, I see you are changing me, giving me a new voice! You are opening doors and providing opportunities. I know, God, that along the journey you will be there beside me, guiding me and providing for me. I am so grateful for your grace, love and forgiveness God. I want to share that with others who need to experience it as well. Please, let me hear the message that you want others to hear. Let those be my words. Thank you, God. I love you so much. Amen.

Love, Melissa

Last Wednesday’s events at the Capitol were quite unsettling and scary. Thursday morning I read Psalms 23:1-4 in my daily devotional and realized it was exactly the verse I needed to hear that morning. It’s such a wonderful verse for when we are filled with worry and fear. It reads “The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want. He makes me lie down in green pastures; he leads me beside still waters; he restores my soul. He leads me in right paths for his name’s sake. Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I fear no evil; for you are with me; your rod and your staff – they comfort me.” (NRSV translation) This is the verse I will keep in my mind and pray over this week. I’ll share my thoughts next Sunday.